Good day to you! By the way, I am Antonio, but I am better known by the name “Tony” by my friends. It’s nice to hear them call me that but my family still doesn’t know that I fantasize about being “Antonette”. Yes, I am gay. Beki, gay, jokla, bayot and whatever else most of us call. Those are just a few of the ridicule and oppression of the so-called moral members of society. Other than that, I have a bigger crisis facing me right now. If only those who read Today’s Carolinian could ask for advice, if they would pay attention to my lament, where would I start? In this case, pudrakels had a Facebook account and then he was asked this dinner about the picture he saw. Am I in the league of macho papa basketball players? Nako ‘Tay! I’m the cheerleader!

It’s natural for me to make people laugh, my best friends. Although most of those close to me are female or female at heart, I also have male friends. Pwera malisya, they became my friends because they accepted me as I was the way I wanted. I also believe that as long as I don’t step on anyone and my intentions are clear. There is nothing wrong with being part of the third sex. It may not be desirable to hide it from family or even our friends, but we are still unable to admit and testify in front of them. I have the courage to point it out today but there is still no certainty that I will show my true color later today. Why is it so difficult? Why is it necessary to be honest? Why do I love you even if someone else loves you? Why am I so mad at you?

Aside from the heap of embarrassment like the mockery I ate at lunch, it was probably the pervasive judgment from the eyes of my parents, siblings and relatives that made it harder to think of chewing-in and swallowing so I always covered my mouth. ‘Just their stare, it’s like you’re going to be rejected. You are ready to accept the whip of Antonio Sr.’s belt. and insist that you are barako but for you only coffee you know can be “barako”. On the other hand, you pray that they will receive you sincerely and without hesitation. The fear of being judged is more important than the hope of being understood.

In this judgmental society, who would have the courage, gay or lesbian, male or female, to show their true selves? When and how did a person’s gender become the basis for being a productive member of a community? Aside from endless criticism from the church, what other unfair proofs that having a relationship or being gay itself is immoral? Lesbian? Boutique? Pigs?

With so many more problems for people today, especially in the Philippines, the decision to be “Antonia” or “Josefina” is still considered an epidemic. It’s as if culture has created hatred for us. We have our own rights and they are not limited to the physical aspect only. We are free to choose sexuality that suits our personality and reasoning. Maybe that’s why other countries are leaving us because of the narrow-mindedness of most of us, and we still believe that what is usual is always right. No meaningful law can be enforced for workers, for those who belong to the third sex yet? Where is the equal right? Right to rejoice? Right to love without limit? Right to have forever? Right to have your own Xander? Haynako Agnes is your chaka! No forever!

I’ll be at USC for three years but I’m still not that good at saying goodbye. It’s hard for me to say goodbye, it’s still hard for the course I took, the tuition will increase again in the coming school year. Our parents’ salary was just enough to provide for our siblings, so they had high dreams for me. As the eldest, I also had many obligations and responsibilities. This will be accompanied by difficulties in communication, courses, matriculation and the accompanying punishment of a beki who takes minutes to be careful in his actions and speech when at home or at the table with the family. Every night, another sequel of Mission Impossible. Not only body aches and pains are at stake, but also dignity and self -confidence.

Crazy to think, I also believe that only the truth can set us free (chos). Because despite my being gay, after the possible bruises and ridicule I would experience from my family and people close to me, I knew I would still decide ultimately for my own happiness. Whether they accept me or not, this is the only way I will know who is really there for me. I know it is incomparable

the sacrifice of my parents so I will forever look back with gratitude and I will go to the future. Given the opportunity, I will prove my usefulness to society, more than the “men” lying around and getting drunk just around the corner. Gloc9 said in his song “Sirena”: “The masculinity of the mustache on the face cannot be measured because sometimes gays are more masculine than men.”

Hypocrite, if you call me that, you can’t blame me if I can’t prove myself to my family today, or tomorrow, or the day after, or in the days to come. Most of us are just waiting for time, timing it seems. Waiting for the right time and the right way to confess true gender. I didn’t want to either. I didn’t choose to be like this and I know my family didn’t want it either. Who is the parent to ask that the baby in the womb be gay when it grows up? There’s no ‘right?

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